news flash: vampires are not real.

Imagine this: It’s midnight. Your sitting out on your porch alone, just minding your own business when some crazy ass lady comes swooping in out of nowhere and starts gnawing on your face like it’s beef jerky. She says that she’s a vampire and she’s going to eat you.

This is not a scene from “The Vampire Diaries”. Wes Craven is not hiding behind a camera somewhere in the distance. And Alexander Skarsgard is not going to show up shirtless with a bunch of other vampire hotties. 

No.

This actually happened. IN. REAL. LIFE.

According to CBS, a Florida woman attacked an elderly man late one evening outside of a deserted Hooter's. The man, who was wheelchair-bound, was bitten on his neck and face, later receiving stitches. The woman, who was later found after the altercation, had no recollection of the attack. Her claim? She is a vampire.

I blame you, Stephenie Meyer and your band of Twi-Hards.

NEWS FLASH: vampires are not real.

That should be the end of this discussion; not real. Done and done.

But ever since this obsession took over every Barnes & Noble Young Adult section and made every TV show about hot blood-sucking men, people actually believe vampires are real.

The fangs. The drinking of the blood. The vampire/werewolf hybrid...thing.

Don't think it's that bad? Try this.

This is Stephanie Pistey. Since Stephanie was 12 years-old, she knew she was a vampire. Correction, a "vampire with a bit of a werewolf mixed in". Stephanie, who is now 18, currently resides in a Florida-based prision for murdering a 16 year-old boy. Although Stephanie denies drinking the boy's blood after the murder to police, she did post a message on her Facebook page stating that she, "wanted the blood".

Really? This hasn't gotten a bit out of hand?!

Don't you think it's a problem when the reason you fear dark alleys now is because pepper spray is no longer a repellent but a marinade for your neck?

People! Get a grip. Drink a Bloody Mary with your plasticy, fake fangs on Halloween and then come back to reality on November 1st.

If you need help getting over your vampire obession, please click here.

what's on your mind?

Facebook doesn't have very many "friends" these days.

With the recent changes made to the newsfeed and an upcoming "face" lift to user's profiles, lovers of the beloved social network have been in an uproar saying things like: the changes are too much like Twitter, it's an invasion of privacy, it's annoying and it's just too much Facebook.

Too much Facebook? TOO. MUCH. FACEBOOK?

Let's face it, this has been a long time coming. There has been too much Facebook since September 2005, when Facebook opened the flood gates and launched a high-school version of the site.

And there was too much Facebook when they began churning out advertisements the following year.

And more recently, there was too much Facebook when "likes" were developed and you could "like" things such as "Yeah, I'm drunk", "I wonder if British people sit around all day trying to talk in an American accent", "Going to say something and mixing the two words together and sounding retarded" and "Aww, that's so sweet. How many other girls have you said that to?" (Oh yes. Believe it. Click here to see more.)

Let's not forget how Facebook (or too much of it) tends to ruin relationships, allows us to misinterpret status updates and stalk old exes, friends and everyone else.

But we can't really place all the blame on Mark Zuckerberg and his band of nerds. They've simply been staying up-to-date with the rapidly changing times; advancing and developing, just as any social network should. 

Oh no. There is a force much greater than Zuckerberg that has been making Facebook...well...suck.

You.

Yes, that's right. All 800 million active Facebook users are the main contributors to the suckiness that is Facebook.

Why? Well, thanks to GQ, they have put together a hilarious (and quite truthful) list of the 18 Friends Who Make Facebook Annoying. (If you find you are not on this list, please consider yourself lucky and on to round 2.)

Some of the "highlights" from this list include:

These are our friends and, occasionally, these are actually us! The annoying people that make the new Facebook real-time "ticker" unbearable.

Why do I really need to know that your kid got stung by a bee and they cried? Or that your favorite inspirational quote is the same as mine? Sure, your baby is adorable! But for the past 9 months you've been clogging up my newsfeed with your ultrasounds. So no, I don't want to comment on another picture, thank you. Oh you were wasted last night? I couldn't tell from the 250+ pictures you ALREADY posted by 6am this morning and the cluster of drunk letters you tried to assemble into a coherent phrase. And please, PLEASE stop trying to make me guilty for not reposting your 3 paragraph long statuses.

If this is not enough evidence that we have ultimately created the "too much" of too much Facebook, then try this on for size.

Prior to Facebook's upgrades, Buzzfeed posted a little ditty on the 11 Things You Should Avoid in Your Profile Pictures. (For those of you who passed round 1, this is for you.)

We all laugh, but we all fall victim to absolute, ridiculously stereotypical Facebook profile pictures. I'm at Disney World! I'm kissing my girlfriend because I love her! Look at how many booze I can fit in one hand! Here's a hilarious cartoon that's not even me!

The constant complaining about Facebook's changes and the people who jam up our precious newsfeed will probably never stop. The least we can do is laugh at ourselves and try to be part of the solution rather than part of the 800 million person problem.

Or we can just all join Google+.

Click here to read more about Buzzfeed's 11 Things, GQ's list, CNN's own annoying Facebookers and much more!

spongebob deserves immunity.

Look at that face! Those eyes! That tie! The boxed shirt/shorts combo. And if that doesn't do it for you, what about his obnoxious laugh? His BFF Patrick? And the way he flips those Krabby Patties ever so gently.

So who could possibly hate SpongeBob SquarePants?

Apparently many. Bikini Bottom's favorite yellow sponge is being scrutinized after a study suggested that watching just nine minutes of the show can cause short-term attention and learning problems in 4-year-olds.

Now, before we divulge into the details, this isn't the first time that SpongeBob has been criticized. Since it's 1999 premier on Nickelodeon, SpongeBob has run into a number of controversial situations.

1) Soon after the show's debut, Mr. SquarePants was attacked for contributing to child obesity. Iowa Sen. Tom Harkin, senior Democrat on the Senate Agriculture, Nutrition and Forestry Committee told the Associated Press back in 2005, "We like to think that SpongeBob SquarePants and Shrek and the pretty little princesses are likable, kid-friendly characters, but they're being used to manipulate vulnerable children to make unhealthy choices."

2) The creator, Stephen Hillenburg, was confronted in 2002 with the idea that SpongeBob was gay. Many claimed to believe that SpongeBob made kids gay, since SpongeBob and Patrick hold hands while watching "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy".

3) In 2005, a promotional video showed SpongeBob with other children's show characters singing together to promote diversity and tolerance. The video was attacked by evangelical group in the U.S. because they saw SpongeBob as an advocate for homosexuality.

Which brings us to our latest Sponge-tastrophe:

The Journal Pediatrics recently published a study stating that SpongeBob could ruin kid's abilities to pay attention, delay gratification and think. Boston Herald writer Margery Eagan describes the study saying, "Researchers applied the so-called 'marshmallow' test, telling children they could eat two marshmallows or Goldfish crackers right away or wait a few minutes and eat all 10. The ability to wait supposedly predicts both good health and successful careers."

In addition to Eagan's information, there were 60 4-year-olds tested and SpongeBob was up against PBS's slower-paced cartoon Caillou. And of course, kids who watched SpongeBob ate all of their snacks right away.

(FYI- I always eat all of my snacks right away during SpongeBob, too.)

Which brings us to this:

Immunity.

If this was Survivor for cartoons, SpongeBob would have some serious immunity.

The first problem with this test? Age.

Nickelodeon spokesman David Bittler immediately disputed the study, saying SpongeBob SquarePants is aimed at kids 6-11, not 4. The show has still has quite an adult following and is often compared to the likes of Ren & Stimpy, another controversial Nickelodeon based show.

The second issue? The kids. Bittler added, "Having 60 non-diverse kids, who are not part of the show's targeted (audience), watch nine minutes of programming is questionable methodology and could not possibly provide the basis for any valid findings that parents could trust."


So why all the SpongeHaters? Some say it's not just about SpongeBob but cartoons in general. Some say it's SpongeBob's semi-adult sense of humor. And some just agree with the studies and believe SpongeBob truly affects children's brains.

But after all the smoke clears, SpongeBob SquarePants still remains one of the longest running cartoons on Nickelodeon. With millions in merchandise, movies and even help from The Hoff himself, SpongeBob SquarePants truly deserves immunity from all the cartoon's critics.

buy this, not those boobies.

Ever heard of the book Eat This, Not That?

Well, this is similar, only with boobs.

(Kind of, not really.)

Ladies! (And occasionally gents.) We all have considered a little plastic surgery every now and then. It would be quick fix to some of the minor imperfections we may (or may not) have. A botox filler here, a breast lift there, perhaps even some lipo?

And although it may be a quick fix, it is also a very costly one. It's the money you could have paid off a student loan with instead. A new Louis Vuitton bag or even a down payment on a house!

Well someone has finally put together a "What it Costs to Get Cosmetic Surgery (And the Awesome Stuff You Could Buy Instead)" chart.

Consider it the "buy this, not those" survival guide.

So instead of having your nose broken and then fixed or adding silicone into your titays, ask your hubs or boyfriend to lend you the money for the Louboutin shoes or the Tiffany's necklace instead!

(When's the last time they bought you something nice anyway?)

To see the original posting on BuzzFeed, click here.

another action hero movie?

Only if it stars Don Cheadle as one lean, mean, going green machine. Mother f&$*ers.

Funny or Die ceases to amaze us. With videos like Christina Applegate's Prenatal Pole Dancing or The Landlord with Will Ferrell, they continue to create absolute hilarity.

Their latest epic video?

Don Cheadle as Captain Planet!

Oh yes, check out the tree, errr...hugger in action here!