Lose weight. Try more new things. Skydive. Eat less sugar. Exercise more. Go swimming with exotic fishes. Bang more chicks. Whatever your fancy New Year's resolution may be, it sucks.
Not because you're a crappy person and you didn't take the time to put one (or multiple) on a list. No, no.
It sucks because only 1% of you will stick to your guns and actually TRY to achieve New Year's resolution completion status.
The other 99% of us are starting a new movement called "Occupy Precious Time"- because the time we spend pretending we're actually going to do these resolutions that we just blurt out 10 seconds before the ball drops is completely wasted. And we could have truly spent the time doing something far more productive. Like eat a few more cheetos.
Myself included. Every year, my go-to resolution is to not swear as much and I'm pretty sure I've never lasted more than a few hours. My family's collective resolution is to stop drinking. That resolution is really built up pre-NYE and ends at about 12:01a on January 1st. Perhaps they keep getting the years mixed up? I'm not too sure.
And everyone is trying to help you: The USA Today wants to help you save money, The Huffington Post wants to make you stick to your resolutions and Forbes just wants to help you make them.
But anyway you look at it, New Year's resolutions are dumb. We are setting ourselves up for failure!
So why not set some realistic resolutions? Something achieveable, something you want to "occupy precious time" doing. If you should accept this challenge, here are some resolutions to help get your 2012 started:
Make out more.
Work out those lips! You burn calories kissing (not many), but it's a good excuse to kiss more this year.
Try new foods.
"Trying new things" is such a broad resolution. Stick to one thing like food: order something different at your favorite restaurant or pick somewhere other to eat than McDonalds.
Stop calling in sick.
And come up with a better excuse. Lying is not right or good or moral, but your boss is definitely tired of hearing the same excuse over and over. Do him/her a favor and make it your New Year's resolution to be more creative.
Be green.
It's not hard, just stop doing laundry, taking baths and wear more deodorant.
Stop buying lottery tickets.
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At the unlucky stores. We all know that the desolate, middle-of-no where stores are the best places to buy them. Stop thinking that the WaWas and 7|11s of the world are going to deliver.
Stop watching ridiculously awful television shows.
Yes, these.
So next time you're thinking that drinking less is an actual possibility or that meeting the man of your dreams is a legit resolution, remember how dumb it sounds and come up with something that's a lot less disappointing in the long run.
Tell us what your realistic New Year's resolutions below!
Happy New Year!
