No, we're not going to teach you how to make millions. That's your own effing job. (We say "effing" because Moms read this.)
What we will do, however, is teach you how to look wealthy on a budget! Yes, WEALTHY.
(We'll make you look like her. Before she ate 3 and a half midgets.)
Hence the "makeshift millionaire" title. Instead of shabby chic, you can be shitty chic - and we mean shitty in the most endearing way. Here are our top tricks on looking like a million bucks when you only have a paperclip and a few pennies in your pocket.
Grab your paint brushes, bitches.
Crayola Artista paint is $2. TWO BUCKS. Take some heels and get to painting. No heels? Buy some Payless Black Pumps (seen here and they are on sale).
Total cost of this makeshift millionaire trick? Approximately $2 without heels and $32 with.
We just saved you a G, girlfriend. You're welcome.
2. Gents - this trick is for you. Get ready to have your mind blown.
What do George Clooney, Ryan Gosling, that guy from Twilight and Jon Hamm have in common? (Besides having more money than you.) Check out Heath Ledger below.
They look scruffy as eff! (Again, the Moms.) They look like they just rolled out of bed and didn't shave.
Oh yes, DING DING DING. Stop showering, dudes! Throw your girly-like hair products to the wind and start NOT trying. Men's American Crew Pastey Shit costs anywhere from $10 - $25. Redken costs even more! You stop using it and you'll look like a million unshaven homeless man bucks.
Total cost of this makeshift millionaire trick? ZERO.
You're actually saving $20 bucks. Go buy yourself a bad lap dance.
3. Utilize your Grandma. Her gifts aren't as shitty as you think.
Granny has got the goods. When we say goods, we mean some bad ass antique jewelry. Cuff links, costume jewelry, brooches. Granny's been around the block, so she's definitely hit up all the best garage sales that have happened in the past 40+ years. She HAS to have come across something that looks semi-expensive. And if not, your faux millionaire ass can say, "Oh, this ____________? It's an antique."
Antique = $$$. No one needs to know it's not from your antique treasure chest. Boom! Jewelry.
Total cost of this makeshift millionaire trick? Some good 'ole fashion face time (not via your iPhone) with Grandma. Chances are, you owe it to her anyway.
Helpful tip: You can also sell these items for extra cash. Duh.
4. Buy yourself some oversized sunglasses. Here are some of the reasons why:
- All the people who wear these look rich because Jackie-O used to wear them. Kennedy's = $$$$$.
- You will hide your sleep-deprived, broke, possibly sad eyes.
- Did we mention that Jackie-O used to wear them?
Total cost of this makeshift millionaire trick? Go to TJ Maxx and spend the $12 for some halfway decent shades.
5. Hipster bros will love trick 5.
Two words: Bow tie.
Bow ties are ___(insert your own opinion here)__. But they make you look like you've got a whole room full of elves folding bow ties up just for you back in your ocean view mansion. Hells to the yeah.
And guess what? Wealthy men hate wearing bow ties. But you know why they wear them? Because they look filthy rich with a bow tie on top.
Total cost of this makeshift millionaire trick? Hell, send your girlfriend to JoAnn Fabrics and get her crafty, creative ass in gear. No girlfriend? Amazon.com it up and you don't even have to leave your couch. (Although, you will need to pause your COD game.)
Making millions might take time, but looking like you've got millions? Easier than you think! (Bad comb-over not included.)
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