name that dumb, f&*%ing tune.

Listening to Nicki Minaj is like being punched in the face with a fist full of bees. Or maybe a fist made completely of bees. A bee fist.

Grandpa knows what's up and it's not Nicki Minaj.

Either way: her songs are horrendous. (And we say that with semi-love because obviously we still sing them when they come on the radio or Spotify or Pandora or whatever.)

But in contemplating our hatred for her songs, we asked ourselves this question: is it the music or the lyrics?

Answer: For Nicki, it's both. But for most, it's the lyrics. Like what the fuck do these musicians/artists think when they write this shit down? Are they laughing, like "Hahaha, oh boy, when these people sing these lyrics, they are going to sound so stupid..."???????

Well, musicians/artists, WE ARE NOT LAUGHING. Actually, we're about to poke fun at you and some of the ridiculous lyrics you've managed to conjure up.

Let's begin with the most obvious and most ridiculous:

"The Thong Song" a la Sisqo

SHE HAS DUMPS LIKE A TRUCK?!?!

First of all, Sisqo, we all know girls do not poop. Period. This lyric is not even fucking correct.

Second, ew. Like how did these few words even get allowed in this song? It was a great booty shaking track and then it got all kinds of messed up when you threw in the line about TAKING A SHIT. Because that's what those lyrics mean: THAT YOU TAKE A HUGE FUCKING POOP.

Ew.

Any Avril Lavigne song. But in this instance, specifically "Sk8er Boi"

Just look at how the title of the song is spelled. Must we say more?

Meatloaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love"

Dear Meatloaf,

We know, you'll do anything for love. ANYTHING for love. But you won't do that...? How about you throw us a bone here and tell us what the fuck "that" is? Because we have been waiting since 1993 to find out. (A-thank you, KD!)

Love,

Us

"Rude Boy" - Rihanna

We're not even going to include the video because we've went through this once before. While we love that Rihanna gives zero fucks, we can't help but hate this song. Every time we hear it on the radio, it makes us feel like we're watching Cinemax. You know, you don't get to see any insertion, but there's a lot of groping and boobies and stuff. 

"Rude Boy" is porn for your earholes, people. 

And not even the good kind.

"God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You" by N*Sync

So, wait. What happened to everyone else? We're pretty sure if God is real, he's not going to just spend some more time on one person to make them extra special than everyone else. That's preposterous. If you believe in God, those lyrics should be changed to: "God loves all people and treats them all equally, but it sounds cute when we say he spent extra time on you because we're only like 16 and we don't know any better."

You're welcome N*Sync.

If you are a non-believer, then you probably think this song sucks all the way around.

Our country song winner is:

Trace Adkins and "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk"

Hey Trace Adkins: if you slap our grandma, we're going to punch you right in the balls.

Destiny's Child -"Bills Bills Bills"

This musical piece of heaven was definitely pre-Independent Women. The song begins with the man paying for dinner and movies and then suddenly he's not anymore and girlfriend has got to pony up and go halvesies and shit. Then the chorus comes along all the sudden she's asking if he can pay HER bills.

We're confused. Okay, so he's broke as fuck. Why does he need to pay your bills anyway? Can't you pay them yourself, Destiny's Child? (Obviously, this particular judgement does not pertain to Beyonce.)

Effiel 65's "Blue"

This very well could have been the worst, but that would be too obvious. "Blue" sucked. It sucked then and it still sucks now. Abede Abedi. And no, we will not make you relive the agonizing music video and/or song. 

"Purple Rain" from the artist formerly known as a symbol which looks like a vagina, Prince

Can some tell us what Purple Rain is exactly? And why do you want to see us dancing and bathing in it? Is it like Barney's piss or something?? We're just as confused with your lyrics as we are your name.

And the worst song lyrics of all:

"MMMBop" by Hanson

Let us start by saying this: NO ONE knows the real lyrics to this song. NO ONE. Teen girls would scream and cry and belt this '90's tune at the top of their lungs, but they were never the right words. EVER.

Here are the actual lyrics:

You have so many relationships in this life/Only one or two will last

You go through all the pain and strife/Then you turn your back and they're gone so fast/Oh yeah

And they're gone so fast, yeah/Oh

So hold on the ones who really care/In the end they'll be the only ones there

And when you get old and start losing your hair/Can you tell me who will still care?

Can you tell me who will still care?/Oooooh, okay, yeah

Mmmbop, ba duba dop

Ba du bop, ba duba dop

Etc., etc.

Hey, Hanson. Thanks for the relationship/life advice there, but WHAT THE SHIT does mmmbop have anything to do with it? What does it even mean?? Is this like an hakuna matata thing? Does it mean no worries or something?! TELL US. Because the 12 year-old inside of us would really like to fucking know. 

Honorable Mentions go to:

Rebecca Black for her rousing song, "Friday".
Fergie - "Fergalicious".

Anything by the Barenaked Ladies.
LFO's "Summer Girls" (Chinese food makes NO ONE sick.)
Anything by Nickelback.

Know a song with shitty lyrics that we missed? Tell us below! Or write us an email! Or find us on Le Facebook and share. Yay!

it's too bad they're gay.

Ladies, we love us some gay men.

We love us some gay men SO much, we pray that one day they'll magically become straight and pull some sort of "Notebook"-esque scene where they profess their undying love to us after all these years of wearing bow ties and talking about Meryl Streep.

But no. Shit does NOT go down like that. The gay stay gay. (And we stay single.)

BUT, us girls can dream. Hence, our newest (short) segment: "It's Too Bad They're Gay" - a new little thing we're going to start doing to showcase awesomely gay peeps (ladies and gents!) that our genitals (and hearts) wish were straight.

Let's review our first specimen: Andrew Rannells.

COME ON, Andrew Rannells! Not only are you dashingly handsome, but you are also amazingly HIlarious! (See Girls, The New Normal and, OF COURSE, The Book of Mormon.)

It's like if Chad Michael Murray had a cute, unmarried and much funnier brother! It's every girl's One Tree Hill fantasy! (Kind of, not really.)

Sigh.

So, dear, sweet Andrew Rannells, if you ever decide to switch to the cootchie, I'm sure we can rustle up a few million phone numbers and emails for you.

Check out Andrew's recent interview with BuzzFeed!