dear felix. mckayla was not impressed.

Yeah, Felix Baumgartner. We said it.

McKayla wasn't that impressed with your 24-mile fall from the edge of space. And neither are we.

What is that thunderous sound you hear? The roar of millions of angry Americans, pissed that we, nor McKayla, were impressed. But before you start bitching about how we have no idea what impressive is, you should read the list:

THINGS MORE IMPRESSIVE THAN FELIX BAUMGARTNERS FREE FALL FROM SPACE 

(make sure to say "spaaaaaaaaace" like you're part of the Muppets)

1. A 24-mile fall, whilst Gangnam Styling.

A little of this WHILE falling? Now we're impressed.

2. Courtney Stodden telling the truth.

If you thought this was just about some lame 24-mile fall, you're wrong. Other things that will impress us? Girlfriend coming clean about her plastic surgery/surgeries/full-fucking-face transformation. WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID THIS PAST SUMMER, COURT.

3. Honey Boo Boo gets some manners.

It's like the perfect title for the next Berenstain Bears book. But really - after Honey Boo Boo's media tour these past few days, we have come to the dreadful realization: child has no goddamn manners. (And it is SO disappointing.) Want to impress us, Mama June? A little discipline and manners, for fuck's sake.

4. Finding the mythical "Binders Full of Women".

Oh, Mittens. When you say things like "binders full of women" at a presidential debate, there's going to be a bit of backlash, like this Tumblr or Twitter hashtags. But hey! Color us impressed when that mythical binder (or binders) appear.

4. Baby Biebs and Lady Cray Cray simultaneously puking.

ON THE SAME STAGE. At the same time? Wha, wha?? 

The twilight zone, bitches.

5. Chris Brown does something good.

Like not getting a beat up Rihanna tattooed on his neck. Or not tweeting homophobic slurs. Or not throwing bottles at Drake. Or not breaking windows and ripping his shirt off. Felix's 24-mile fall is nothing compared to Chris Brown holding the door open for an old lady or something that's not, you know, angry and violent and shit.

6. A non-sterioded triathlon.

Oh, I don't know. Let's try to do sports without being a cheater, cheater pumpkin eater. 

7. Alicia Silverstone acting normal.

First, she pre-chew-charlie'd her baby's food and then fed it to him WITH HER OWN MOUTH. Now she's promoting these non-vibrator looking vibrators. We're partial on this one. This is already semi-impressive. If only she acted normal. Then we'd be 24-miles impressed.

8. Making it through an entire hour of TV, WITHOUT a political ad.

During an election year. In October.

Now THAT, Felix, is fucking impressive. 

THE END.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The post is insanely delayed and we apologize for the jokes being a little dated. (Although, still funny, you dicks.)