dear felix. mckayla was not impressed.

Yeah, Felix Baumgartner. We said it.

McKayla wasn't that impressed with your 24-mile fall from the edge of space. And neither are we.

What is that thunderous sound you hear? The roar of millions of angry Americans, pissed that we, nor McKayla, were impressed. But before you start bitching about how we have no idea what impressive is, you should read the list:

THINGS MORE IMPRESSIVE THAN FELIX BAUMGARTNERS FREE FALL FROM SPACE 

(make sure to say "spaaaaaaaaace" like you're part of the Muppets)

1. A 24-mile fall, whilst Gangnam Styling.

A little of this WHILE falling? Now we're impressed.

2. Courtney Stodden telling the truth.

If you thought this was just about some lame 24-mile fall, you're wrong. Other things that will impress us? Girlfriend coming clean about her plastic surgery/surgeries/full-fucking-face transformation. WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID THIS PAST SUMMER, COURT.

3. Honey Boo Boo gets some manners.

It's like the perfect title for the next Berenstain Bears book. But really - after Honey Boo Boo's media tour these past few days, we have come to the dreadful realization: child has no goddamn manners. (And it is SO disappointing.) Want to impress us, Mama June? A little discipline and manners, for fuck's sake.

4. Finding the mythical "Binders Full of Women".

Oh, Mittens. When you say things like "binders full of women" at a presidential debate, there's going to be a bit of backlash, like this Tumblr or Twitter hashtags. But hey! Color us impressed when that mythical binder (or binders) appear.

4. Baby Biebs and Lady Cray Cray simultaneously puking.

ON THE SAME STAGE. At the same time? Wha, wha?? 

The twilight zone, bitches.

5. Chris Brown does something good.

Like not getting a beat up Rihanna tattooed on his neck. Or not tweeting homophobic slurs. Or not throwing bottles at Drake. Or not breaking windows and ripping his shirt off. Felix's 24-mile fall is nothing compared to Chris Brown holding the door open for an old lady or something that's not, you know, angry and violent and shit.

6. A non-sterioded triathlon.

Oh, I don't know. Let's try to do sports without being a cheater, cheater pumpkin eater. 

7. Alicia Silverstone acting normal.

First, she pre-chew-charlie'd her baby's food and then fed it to him WITH HER OWN MOUTH. Now she's promoting these non-vibrator looking vibrators. We're partial on this one. This is already semi-impressive. If only she acted normal. Then we'd be 24-miles impressed.

8. Making it through an entire hour of TV, WITHOUT a political ad.

During an election year. In October.

Now THAT, Felix, is fucking impressive. 

THE END.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The post is insanely delayed and we apologize for the jokes being a little dated. (Although, still funny, you dicks.)

name that dumb, f&*%ing tune.

Listening to Nicki Minaj is like being punched in the face with a fist full of bees. Or maybe a fist made completely of bees. A bee fist.

Grandpa knows what's up and it's not Nicki Minaj.

Either way: her songs are horrendous. (And we say that with semi-love because obviously we still sing them when they come on the radio or Spotify or Pandora or whatever.)

But in contemplating our hatred for her songs, we asked ourselves this question: is it the music or the lyrics?

Answer: For Nicki, it's both. But for most, it's the lyrics. Like what the fuck do these musicians/artists think when they write this shit down? Are they laughing, like "Hahaha, oh boy, when these people sing these lyrics, they are going to sound so stupid..."???????

Well, musicians/artists, WE ARE NOT LAUGHING. Actually, we're about to poke fun at you and some of the ridiculous lyrics you've managed to conjure up.

Let's begin with the most obvious and most ridiculous:

"The Thong Song" a la Sisqo

SHE HAS DUMPS LIKE A TRUCK?!?!

First of all, Sisqo, we all know girls do not poop. Period. This lyric is not even fucking correct.

Second, ew. Like how did these few words even get allowed in this song? It was a great booty shaking track and then it got all kinds of messed up when you threw in the line about TAKING A SHIT. Because that's what those lyrics mean: THAT YOU TAKE A HUGE FUCKING POOP.

Ew.

Any Avril Lavigne song. But in this instance, specifically "Sk8er Boi"

Just look at how the title of the song is spelled. Must we say more?

Meatloaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love"

Dear Meatloaf,

We know, you'll do anything for love. ANYTHING for love. But you won't do that...? How about you throw us a bone here and tell us what the fuck "that" is? Because we have been waiting since 1993 to find out. (A-thank you, KD!)

Love,

Us

"Rude Boy" - Rihanna

We're not even going to include the video because we've went through this once before. While we love that Rihanna gives zero fucks, we can't help but hate this song. Every time we hear it on the radio, it makes us feel like we're watching Cinemax. You know, you don't get to see any insertion, but there's a lot of groping and boobies and stuff. 

"Rude Boy" is porn for your earholes, people. 

And not even the good kind.

"God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You" by N*Sync

So, wait. What happened to everyone else? We're pretty sure if God is real, he's not going to just spend some more time on one person to make them extra special than everyone else. That's preposterous. If you believe in God, those lyrics should be changed to: "God loves all people and treats them all equally, but it sounds cute when we say he spent extra time on you because we're only like 16 and we don't know any better."

You're welcome N*Sync.

If you are a non-believer, then you probably think this song sucks all the way around.

Our country song winner is:

Trace Adkins and "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk"

Hey Trace Adkins: if you slap our grandma, we're going to punch you right in the balls.

Destiny's Child -"Bills Bills Bills"

This musical piece of heaven was definitely pre-Independent Women. The song begins with the man paying for dinner and movies and then suddenly he's not anymore and girlfriend has got to pony up and go halvesies and shit. Then the chorus comes along all the sudden she's asking if he can pay HER bills.

We're confused. Okay, so he's broke as fuck. Why does he need to pay your bills anyway? Can't you pay them yourself, Destiny's Child? (Obviously, this particular judgement does not pertain to Beyonce.)

Effiel 65's "Blue"

This very well could have been the worst, but that would be too obvious. "Blue" sucked. It sucked then and it still sucks now. Abede Abedi. And no, we will not make you relive the agonizing music video and/or song. 

"Purple Rain" from the artist formerly known as a symbol which looks like a vagina, Prince

Can some tell us what Purple Rain is exactly? And why do you want to see us dancing and bathing in it? Is it like Barney's piss or something?? We're just as confused with your lyrics as we are your name.

And the worst song lyrics of all:

"MMMBop" by Hanson

Let us start by saying this: NO ONE knows the real lyrics to this song. NO ONE. Teen girls would scream and cry and belt this '90's tune at the top of their lungs, but they were never the right words. EVER.

Here are the actual lyrics:

You have so many relationships in this life/Only one or two will last

You go through all the pain and strife/Then you turn your back and they're gone so fast/Oh yeah

And they're gone so fast, yeah/Oh

So hold on the ones who really care/In the end they'll be the only ones there

And when you get old and start losing your hair/Can you tell me who will still care?

Can you tell me who will still care?/Oooooh, okay, yeah

Mmmbop, ba duba dop

Ba du bop, ba duba dop

Etc., etc.

Hey, Hanson. Thanks for the relationship/life advice there, but WHAT THE SHIT does mmmbop have anything to do with it? What does it even mean?? Is this like an hakuna matata thing? Does it mean no worries or something?! TELL US. Because the 12 year-old inside of us would really like to fucking know. 

Honorable Mentions go to:

Rebecca Black for her rousing song, "Friday".
Fergie - "Fergalicious".

Anything by the Barenaked Ladies.
LFO's "Summer Girls" (Chinese food makes NO ONE sick.)
Anything by Nickelback.

Know a song with shitty lyrics that we missed? Tell us below! Or write us an email! Or find us on Le Facebook and share. Yay!

it's too bad they're gay.

Ladies, we love us some gay men.

We love us some gay men SO much, we pray that one day they'll magically become straight and pull some sort of "Notebook"-esque scene where they profess their undying love to us after all these years of wearing bow ties and talking about Meryl Streep.

But no. Shit does NOT go down like that. The gay stay gay. (And we stay single.)

BUT, us girls can dream. Hence, our newest (short) segment: "It's Too Bad They're Gay" - a new little thing we're going to start doing to showcase awesomely gay peeps (ladies and gents!) that our genitals (and hearts) wish were straight.

Let's review our first specimen: Andrew Rannells.

COME ON, Andrew Rannells! Not only are you dashingly handsome, but you are also amazingly HIlarious! (See Girls, The New Normal and, OF COURSE, The Book of Mormon.)

It's like if Chad Michael Murray had a cute, unmarried and much funnier brother! It's every girl's One Tree Hill fantasy! (Kind of, not really.)

Sigh.

So, dear, sweet Andrew Rannells, if you ever decide to switch to the cootchie, I'm sure we can rustle up a few million phone numbers and emails for you.

Check out Andrew's recent interview with BuzzFeed!

celebrity couples who really, really suck.

Have you seen this couple yet? Have you seen the RING yet? Can you imagine what "Sk8er Boi"plus "Photograph"equals? Hold on, we have to go wipe away the blood from our ears.

Okay. After the announcement of the "Chavril"engagement (AKA - the two worst musical acts in the history of musical acts uniting), we thought we would take a look at some other horrendous celebrity couples that continue to make us vomit real vomit. Not to be confused with "Aww, they're so cute" vomit.

1. The Obvious Couple

They started dating in 2006 and ever since, they have been a match made in awful, celebrity couple heaven. It probably has something to do with the barrage of publicity stunts through the years. Or perhaps their almost-abuse roller coaster of a relationship. Either way, they are obviously one of the worst celebrity couples.

2. The WTF Couple

WTF as in WTF is going on here?? Can someone please call Adam Levine and let him know this hot mess is a) a downgrade from Anne V. and b) a hot mess? We have plenty of better looking friends for you, Adam, so how about you not settle for THIS? Sure, she's a Victoria Secret model, but we expected so much more from you. Like someone who is actually good looking. 

3. The Homelesseo and Juliet Couple

Poor Taylor Swift. Girlfriend has really had a rough swim in the dating pool. HOWEVER, she's chosen a lot of fine ass honeys. But Connor Kennedy? Taylor. Look at yourself. Now, look at him. To quote the fabulous Liz from Crazy, Stupid, Love., "If you end up with that, what am I going to end up with?" Yes, Liz. We concur.

4. The We Fooled You Couple

You would think these two would be a match made in redneck heaven, but you are wrong my reality TV watching couch potatoes. If you've actually sat through a grueling (or hilarious) half hour of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, you would know that Mama (AKA - June) is far too animated and fun for party pooper mcgee, Sugar Bear. He's boring, he's quiet and we think Mama can get her "biscuit" buttered by someone better.

5. The Old Grandpa Wrinkly Balls and Not Wrinkly Titties Couple

This includes anyone who has seriously dated Hef. Why? WHY? We know those balls have been in and around your mouth and frankly, there's not enough vodka in the world to make this okay.

Did we miss a couple? Tell us! Or see other ridiculously awful or just plain strange celebrity couples by clicking here.

the olympics would be better if...

NBC wasn't in charge of covering it.

No. We kid, we kid.

But with all the leotards, Speedos and gold medals in the news lately, how could we not give our two cents on what improvements they could make to the Olympics?

Sure, there's the opening ceremony, the coverage and so forth and so on. But our main concern are these events. We want Olympic events that are creative. Action packed! And HILARIOUS. Obviously.

So without further adieu, here are our event suggestions to help spice up the Olympics:

Flash Mobbing

Just think of it: you've got to have the precision of gymnastics or synchronized swimming, but you're also judged on how many people you can get involved, where you execute this mob, costuming (see above)...AND! Oh and, you can interrupt other flash mobs, like a dance off. Can you imagine? A battle to the death via flash mobbing. That is some serious shit.

The ImprOlympics

For all of you who are thinking it, YES. It would be JUST like "Whose Line is it Anyway". And yes, Wayne Brady will be representing the United Fucking States of America. Duh.

All Sports Played in High School Gym Class

You know exactly what we're talking about here: Ultimate Frisbee, Pillow Polo, Matball, Kickball, Dodgeball, anything with balls! Those physical education classes were like the Olympics for people who aren't good at normal people sports. We certainly can't swim the butterfly, but you bet your ass we can steal that mother fucking bacon like a champ.

That Hot Dog Eating Contest

Japan would eat this up. Literally.

Anything That Involves a PS3

We're pretty sure if men had the ability to win medals in things like Call of Duty, World of Warcraft and any Madden game, the world would be a happier place. Plus, ladies: if we're going to go through a dry spell, it might as well be for a gold medal. 

Need more Olympic event ideas? Check out Cracked.com's 24 Rejected Olympics Events. Yes.

new york shitty.

We're certainly going to piss about 8 million people off with this post. But we are doing it.

Oh, NYC. The Big Apple. The City So Nice They Named It Twice. (Insert all other nicknames here.) If you make it in NYC, you can make it anywhere! (However, your hipster skinny jeans are not going to keep you warm in Juno, Alaska - that is for damn sure.)

Let's get one thing straight, we love NYC. For a nice, short visit. In the summer. During July 4th.

Otherwise, we're going to argue that NYC is (earmuffs, you die hard New Yorkers) not the best city in the world. Sure, it's home to many cool companies and rich financiers and the beautiful, Matt Lauer. But, sorry Matty, aside from you, we can think of a million other places we'd rather be living.

But you love the city lights! The adventure! The endless supply of things to do!

Well, if you think you'd be a fitting New Yorker, we've designed a quick quiz for you. Answer the following questions by stating yes or no.

1) Do you enjoy lots of people in your space, including tourists (some of which do not speak the same language as you)? 

If you answered yes, continue. If you said no, go home.

2) Do you enjoy having a car?

If you answered yes, continue to question 3. If you answered no, you're free to skip to question 4..

3) If you enjoy having a car, do you like spending 80% of your travel time in bumper-to-bumper traffic?

If you answered no, NYC is not for you. If you answered yes, you are fucking idiot, but continue.

4) Would you like to spend $7-$10 on a box of Fruity Pebbles?

If you answered no: fucking right. Who wants to spend THAT much on cereal? If you said yes, then we wish you and your trust fund luck on question 5.

5) Do you enjoy paying income taxes that must be figured out via a chart that is longer than your master's thesis?

No? Us either. Yes? You're totally lying, but whatever.

6) In addition to paying extra for things like groceries and those higher income taxes, would you like to pay approximately $3,418 a month...in RENT?

No fucking joke.

Of course you don't, you moron!

Because aside from Jimmy Fallon, Broadway, SNL and the New York Knicks (aka - Jay-Z), NYC is just another city.

So next time you think life in the "City that Never Sleeps" is just like an episode of Sex and the City remember this: Subways. Trash. Crowed streets. Expensive. And that nasty ass hot dog water.

You're welcome.

how to prepare for the zombie apocalypse.

Here are the proper* steps to prepare for the zombie apocalypse that is apparently upon us.

Step 1: Watch this video. (Pay close attention to the moves.)

Step 2: Watch this video to help you perfect your moves.

Step 3: Find a red leather jacket. This will help the zombies identify that you are one of them.

Step 4: Go forth and "thrill" those zombies.

*You should still take "doomsday prepper" type precautions, such as obtaining weapons, to truly prepare yourself for the zombies.

hide your kids, hide your wife.

The zombie mutha-fuckin' apocalypse is upon us.

If you think we're kidding, read this article from WSVN in Miami, Florida.

Once you have read it, read this previous Sunny Side post.

Then go home, watch Zombieland and get ready to kick some ass.

You're welcome.

the slutification of our youth.

What the has happened to our youth?

Between the hand sanitizer cocktails and the vodka infused tampons, our future CEOs and entrepreneurs are some real winners.

But ladies! What the hell has happened to you?

(Past Youth)                                                                (Youth Today)

The prom dresses you wear look like two pieces of ribbon with some sadly sewn sequins. 

You think it's okay to ask everyone who uses YouTube if you're ugly/cute/pretty/sexy.

And you wear so much makeup, you all look like Courtney Stodden.

(That is not a compliment.)

And since parenting, morals and other similar factors have nothing to do with the slutification of our female youth, there must be someone to blame!

Oh yes, little teenie-boppers. There is:

RIHANNA.

Why you ask? Well, luckily enough for you, we've done our research and come up with these reasons why Rihanna is the sole reason for our teens lack of class and clothes.

1. Rude Boy.

This is the most blatantly sexual song we've ever heard (aside from 45% of the other shit that plays on the radio nowadays). Ever. If you need more proof then the video below, click here for the lyrics.

Come on rude boy, boy can you get it up? Come on rude boy, boy is you big enough? REALLY? Really? If our teenage girls think this is an appropriate way to ask for a cock in the face, then they are correct. 

BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S RIGHT, LADIES. Come on.

2. Chris Brown.

As soon as Rihanna got back together with her ex-beater of a boyfriend, Chris Brown, for the "Birthday Cake" remix,  she taught teenage girls a lesson: it's okay as long as you're gettin' money.

But it's not okay, Rihanna. It's not. Remember how your face felt? You can google it! All that money you're receiving from that Chris Brown remix, is not going to delete those photos from the internet.

3. Rihanna's Clothes. (Or lack thereof.)

Children! Shield your eyes! Just because Rihanna made a bikini out of Lisa Frank jewels for arts and crafts does not mean you should be dressing this way, too. 

4. Rihanna, well, she did this...which leads us to number five...

5. Rihanna Doesn't Give One Fuck.

And she continues to not give any fucks with this.

So girlfriends between the ages of, let's say 8-19: stop being so slutty! And if you feel the urge to continue with your slutified ways, don't blame your own morals or conscience or your parents for letting you go out looking like a hoe. Blame Rihanna, because obviously she is provoking you to give out handies and dance like a stripper.

Obviously.

the makeshift millionaire.

No.

No, we're not going to teach you how to make millions. That's your own effing job. (We say "effing" because Moms read this.)

What we will do, however, is teach you how to look wealthy on a budget! Yes, WEALTHY.

(We'll make you look like her. Before she ate 3 and a half midgets.)

Hence the "makeshift millionaire" title. Instead of shabby chic, you can be shitty chic - and we mean shitty in the most endearing way. Here are our top tricks on looking like a million bucks when you only have a paperclip and a few pennies in your pocket.

1. The best way to spot a woman with money (or a golddigger)? The red on the bottom of her shoes. Red shoes = Louboutins. Sadly, Louboutins cost $600+ and if you've read past the opening lines of this post, you obviously cannot afford that. Solution?

Grab your paint brushes, bitches.

Crayola Artista paint is $2. TWO BUCKS. Take some heels and get to painting. No heels? Buy some Payless Black Pumps (seen here and they are on sale).

Total cost of this makeshift millionaire trick? Approximately $2 without heels and $32 with.

We just saved you a G, girlfriend. You're welcome.

2. Gents - this trick is for you. Get ready to have your mind blown.

What do George Clooney, Ryan Gosling, that guy from Twilight and Jon Hamm have in common? (Besides having more money than you.) Check out Heath Ledger below.

They look scruffy as eff! (Again, the Moms.) They look like they just rolled out of bed and didn't shave.

Oh yes, DING DING DING. Stop showering, dudes! Throw your girly-like hair products to the wind and start NOT trying. Men's American Crew Pastey Shit costs anywhere from $10 - $25. Redken costs even more! You stop using it and you'll look like a million unshaven homeless man bucks.

Total cost of this makeshift millionaire trick? ZERO.

You're actually saving $20 bucks. Go buy yourself a bad lap dance.

3. Utilize your Grandma. Her gifts aren't as shitty as you think.

Granny has got the goods. When we say goods, we mean some bad ass antique jewelry. Cuff links, costume jewelry, brooches. Granny's been around the block, so she's definitely hit up all the best garage sales that have happened in the past 40+ years. She HAS to have come across something that looks semi-expensive. And if not, your faux millionaire ass can say, "Oh, this ____________? It's an antique."

Antique = $$$. No one needs to know it's not from your antique treasure chest. Boom! Jewelry.

Total cost of this makeshift millionaire trick? Some good 'ole fashion face time (not via your iPhone) with Grandma. Chances are, you owe it to her anyway.

Helpful tip: You can also sell these items for extra cash. Duh.

4. Buy yourself some oversized sunglasses. Here are some of the reasons why:

• All the people who wear these look rich because Jackie-O used to wear them. Kennedy's = $$$$$.
• You will hide your sleep-deprived, broke, possibly sad eyes.
• Did we mention that Jackie-O used to wear them?

Total cost of this makeshift millionaire trick? Go to TJ Maxx and spend the $12 for some halfway decent shades.

5. Hipster bros will love trick 5.

Two words: Bow tie.

Bow ties are ___(insert your own opinion here)__. But they make you look like you've got a whole room full of elves folding bow ties up just for you back in your ocean view mansion. Hells to the yeah.

And guess what? Wealthy men hate wearing bow ties. But you know why they wear them? Because they look filthy rich with a bow tie on top.

Total cost of this makeshift millionaire trick? Hell, send your girlfriend to JoAnn Fabrics and get her crafty, creative ass in gear. No girlfriend? Amazon.com it up and you don't even have to leave your couch. (Although, you will need to pause your COD game.)

Making millions might take time, but looking like you've got millions? Easier than you think! (Bad comb-over not included.)

For more makeshift millionaire tips, click here. Here! Or here.